3 ways empathy can help you handle conflict during the holidays

Holiday gatherings can come with the invisible stress of potential arguments and conflict.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Tapping into empathy skills can help prepare you to face conflict head-on and diffuse a disagreement before it escalates.
The fact is, empathy, like basketball or drawing, is a skill you can practice.
“That is a fairly new take on empathy that we’ve been exploring over the last decade or so,” Karina Schumann, associate psychology professor at the University of Pittsburgh, said.
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Stanford University psychology professor Jamil Zaki said research shows that without empathy, people expect the “other person” – whether it’s someone they disagree with politically, or otherwise – to have far more extreme views than they actually do. Both Democrats and Republicans think the people they disagree with are much more extreme than the average person, and also see them as more hateful, more anti-democratic and more violent than “they really are.”

Even if you think the other person will not be empathetic to your side of a discussion, if you model that empathetic behavior, you’re more likely to see the other person mirror it back.

“A lot of us feel under threat these days, whether it’s ideologically, economically or otherwise. And a sense of threat, the idea that you are in danger, is one of the quickest ways to shut down our empathy,” Zaki said.
Here are three ways to build your empathy aptitude:
Empathy becomes harder when you are in a situation that makes you impatient or defensive. For example, if a person you are talking to starts complaining, you may shut down and stop caring about their feelings. In this scenario, you can take a step back and notice what is happening to your empathy.
Schumann suggests to “try to recognize your own patterns and where empathy might break down for you, because we all have unique barriers to feeling empathy. Understanding that is a good place to start.”
Before you go to an event where you know someone likes to debate politics or spark controversy, ask yourself: “what is a situation that makes my empathy harder to access,” or, put another way, “what makes me defensive?”
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In some cases, empathy will not help. Zaki said it is important to remove yourself from a potentially dangerous situation if the person is threatening you.
But, in general disagreements, there are other ways to keep your empathy levels up.
Active listening means emptying your mind of viewpoints, counter arguments or assumptions and instead absorbing the information someone is giving you, Schumann said.
“While they’re talking, we’re not really listening,” Schumann said. “We’re thinking about all the things we’re going to say as a rebuttal to what they’re saying. It’s effortful to try to quiet those voices in our own head.”
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Ideally, Zaki and Schumann said, you should listen with the idea of gathering data. That means being genuinely curious about why the person you have conflict with feels differently from you.
“Oftentimes, you’ll uncover stories that make you realize that even if you don’t end up agreeing, you have a lot more in common in terms of your values, your hopes and your fears than you might have imagined,” Zaki said.
Even if you think the other person will not be empathetic to your side of a discussion, if you model that empathetic behavior, you’re more likely to see the other person mirror it back. In fact, Schumann said, research shows that “when we disclose and share things about ourselves, that we feel really connected to other people, and we feel validated and heard.”
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“Then, we also are more willing to reciprocate and listen in return,” she said.
To make it easier to talk openly, Schumann suggested working on something together — like chopping firewood or chopping veggies for a meal.
“Working towards the same goal or the same task on something with someone can be a really enriching experience and has been shown to reduce conflict,” she said.
But, you don’t have to practice empathy with other people. You can also practice empathy alone.
OK, hear us out.
A study led by Marina Weiler and others at the Division of Perceptual Studies at University of Virginia found that people who have out-of-body experiences can also increase empathy. The feeling of not being in your own body leads to the feeling of ego dissolution, or loss of self, and more connectedness with the universe or a “larger collective entity.”
“When you experience this ego dissolution … that gives room to putting yourself into someone else’s shoes, which then leads to increased empathy and altruistic behavior,” Weiler said.
An out-of-body experience can happen spontaneously, possibly when falling asleep or meditating. They can also be induced by hypnosis or psychedelics.
People can learn how to have an out-of-body experience on command, Weiler said. If you are trying to learn how to have one she suggested practicing mindfulness, using tools such as meditation and visualization.
To start, “I would recommend quieting the mind,” Weiler said.
The word “empathy” only appeared in English around 1908, when psychologists looked for translations of German scientific terms. By 1913, according to Susan Lanzoni at Yale University, “’empathy’ became the term of choice for the German Einfühlung, which literally means ‘in-feeling.’”
Jamil Zaki with Stanford University says that translation started taking the place of ‘sympathy’ in the scientific research. While both sympathy and empathy mean the feeling of understanding another person’s feelings, the psychology community has started to prefer empathy.
“Sympathy…used to mean the same thing that emotional empathy means now. It used to mean feeling what somebody else feels,” Zaki said. “In the science, we use empathy a lot and we barely ever talk about sympathy.”
First, find a location that is safe and, well, quiet. People should not be trying to have an out-of-body experience while driving or in a place where they are easily distracted.
YouTube videos that include guided meditation can be a good place to start, Weiler said. Try setting an intention while meditating to have an out-of-body experience.
“The ideal scenario would be the same scenario that puts you to sleep,” she said. “So you want a quiet room, not too much light stimuli, an ideal temperature. So just think about ‘what’s the best scenario that I would be able to have a nap?’ And that probably would also be the best scenario that you could induce an out-of-body experience.”
Weiler finds experiences like this where you literally feel outside of your body allow you to better feel others’ emotions.
“That experience of feeling connected at a deeper level may be involved with the increased feeling of empathy,” she said.
If an out-of-body experience isn’t your thing, the good news is that anyone can practice empathy.
“Empathy often is not a matter of being clairvoyant, or mind reading, but rather of being curious,” Zaki said.
And practicing empathy can help you in any situation — holidays or not — where making connections doesn’t have to feel frustrating, futile, or fruitless.